Halfway?

Five months ago today I got on a plane to leave everything I'd ever known and loved, and come to a country that I knew little about and understood even less with people I'd never met. If you had asked me that day who I would be five months later, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. I would never have been able to imagine what I've experienced, the adventures I've been on, and everything that I've learned about myself, the language, and this culture. Over the past week I have been preparing for my presentation of Texas and I'm not gonna lie, it makes me a little home sick when I explain where I come from to my peers. But when I stop to actually think about it, I realize that I wouldn't be happy back home right now. That when I go back, it's going to be there hardest thing I've ever done. And that when I go back, a part of my heart will stay here and I will never again be the person I was before. It makes me wonder, "will I be able to be friends with the same people?" "Will I do the same things?" "Will I ever be able to explain who I am now?" They're impossible questions to answer, but I've found myself almost panicking when I think about the day I go back. Yes there are still six months left, but I'm almost half way through my exchange, and things will never be the same again. Will I loose the language? Will I be able to keep in contact with my family and friends here? Will I ever see my exchange friends again? These questions keep me up at night, and I can't help but wish my year didn't have to end. As I watched my Oldie go through security to return to Australia, it hit me that things change so fast and opportunities are lost when you aren't paying attention. I've also realized that so many opportunities are passed up when we get caught up in the past. The first two months all I could think about was home and how much I missed this or that, but once I got a grasp on the language time flew by. School is still ridiculously hard and I'm still learning things about myself everyday, but I'm realizing now more than ever how valuable this year is, how much I've already learned, and how much more I'm going to learn. Thank you all for your love and support, and thank you for showing me what truly matters in life. When the day comes for me to get on that airplane and come home, I will be leaving my old self here and coming home a new person, I will be leaving everything that has shaped me into who I am now, and I will have to figure out who I am back in Texas. No matter how hard it is to leave amazing Belgium, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. 

December in a Box

This month has been full of uncomfortable situations and growth. As I look back over December, I can literally see a transformation: one that makes me wonder who I will be by the end of my exchange. December went from hard, to blessed, to even harder, to even more blessed. Here's why:

At outbound camp they warned us that the holidays and birthdays are the hardest times of your exchange (except coming and leaving) and that after Christmas things get so much better and time flies. As I experienced both my birthday and Christmas this month, I realized that what they said couldn't be more true. As my birthday got closer, all I could think about was the traditions that would be broken with my family - the hardest was not being with my grandma. The day of my birthday came along and it ended up being one of the most memorable days I've had in Belgium. Starting out with praising the Lord at my church, having 40+ people sing happy birthday in French to me, and ending with my family and friends at my host families house for hot dogs and cake (teremisue is my favorite and my host moms the best cook). I found my heart overflowing with all the blessings that were poured over me that day. I found myself comfortable. 

A week later I went bowling with my friends for my birthday and in the midst of it all, I found out that my dog had to be put down. As I sat on the other side of the bowling alley talking to my dog and realizing that she didn't even remember my voice, I broke. I got hit, in an instant, with a massive wall of homesickness. One that left me sobbing in front of everyone I love and care about here. I thank the Lord that my friends were there to comfort and hug me in that moment, to carry me when I couldn't carry myself, because I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out of the homesickness I had begun to drown in without them. 

That day started one of the hardest seasons of my exchange, but also the season that led to the greatest breakthrough. I found myself longing to be home, unable to enjoy what was right in front of me. I longed to be hugged by my mom, watch my dad as he worked, cook macaroni with my grandma, and go to Starbucks with my friends. I longed for the comfort that my heart had grown up with. I longed to get in my car and just drive with the music blaring. But I also realized that in all of that, there was also the beauty of the unknown. I had to fight daily to keep trying to converse with my friends and family here, to keep putting myself out there, and to not let myself fall too far. I relied on the Lords strength so completely in that time. But I also found myself walking into one of the roughest patches with the Lord in that time. I found Him silent, and it killed me. If there is anything that made that time the hardest, it would be that. I felt guilty because I couldn't hear the Lord. I felt like I had failed in the only thing that really mattered; my relationship with the Lord. I fell into temptation, went through the motions, and shut my heart down. It wasn't until I had verbally confessed everything that had been burdening my heart to my bestfriend that I felt the Lord speak again. And praise the Lord because He did speak! Boldly! Endlessly! And everything changed. 

The 24th I went with my family to celebrate with my host moms side of the family. I got to experience my family in a way that I hadn't before. I was able to partake in traditions, see them in ways I'd never seen before, and spend my first Christmas with a real family. One that had accepted me though my failures and awful French. One that had taught me and walked with me through some of the hardest times of my life. 

The 25th we celebrated with my host dads side of the family. I was able to (successfully) stay away and talk to everyone there. Ironically, we ate the same thing at both Christmas' but It was good. I managed to not miss anything about Texas except for my favorite Christmas dish (cheesy potato casserole). My heart was full. I had successfully survived my first Christmas away from my parents. Not only had I survived, but I had thrived (with a few glitches here and there).

I think in a way, experiencing such an amazing Christmas here made me slightly scared for what the next one will be like. One where it's just me and my little family. One where the brokenness is brutally honest. But experiencing that also gave me hope. Hope that family is true, is real. That it's not just a myth. So if there is one thing that I have learned over the past month, it's that family is true. 

Today is New Year's Eve and I'll be spending it with my friends from church, dancing the night away, New Years I'll be with my host family, Rotary is going to Bruge on the 2nd, and I change to my second host family on the 4th. Where did the time go? Life's about to fly. 

I pray the Lord blessed and watches each and every one of you as you go through the next month. 

Until next time,

KP

Those "Wow" Moments

Today on my way to gym I had one of those "holy crap I live in Belgium" moments. As we crossed the river, I saw the trees with their beautiful colors and fallen leaves on the ground around them. We passed the statues and the rails had gold designs on them and it hit me - I'm living in a foreign country, learning a foreign language, and experiencing authentic native things. How did I get so lucky? I will admit, last week was extremely hard, but I can't deny the fact that I'm still astonished that I get the opportunity to live here. As I battle with little choices like asking a question, or studying this or that, I get overwhelmed. But when I have those "wow" moments, those moments of unbelief, it makes it all worth it. Building relationships with natives, no matter how hard it may be some days, is so worth it. And I find that every time I try to carry on a conversation, I feel more satisfied at the end of the day. Knowing that I can make myself understood (even if it's not right) is one of the most satisfying feelings. Every time I speak, I can find something to fix, but the fact that I'm trying, is enough. I've gotten to the point where I can tell when I said something wrong, but can't always figure out why, I'm starting to be able to apply a few conjunction rules, and I'm able to understand more in class.  There's still a few days where I just can't focus and I'm too tired to try as hard as I'd like. But I can always find a reason to smile through it. 

Today I am thankful for the little moments. 

A Day in the Life of an Exchange Student

There are some days where I find it so hard to stay positive even though it seems like I can barely float in this thing called life, and there are some days where I can't help but smile from ear to ear because I've understood more than the day before.

I'm not one to fall into homesickness often, but there are days where I just miss comfort. Where I miss buying Sweet Tea from Mcalisters, or a Peppermint Hot Chocolate from Starbucks, and getting in my car with the windows rolled down and the music turned up as I drive through the countryside. There are moments where I miss coming home from my school to my moms hugs or my dads jokes. There are days where I miss all the easy busyness I found myself in 99% of the time. But most of all, I miss not feeling like a burden. 

There are some days where I can get around by myself, talk effectively, and feel motivated to understand. There are days where I don't miss anything about Texas. There are days where I can already feel how hard it's going to be when I have to leave. And there are days where I get so attached and feel so much love for the people around me. 

For those of you that know an exchange student or will know one in the future, here's some tips:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, call them lazy, stupid, or accuse them of not trying "hard enough". This doesn't help with language improvement especially when it is obvious that we're trying. Chances are we actually do understand what you're saying and are too nice to stand up for ourselves. 

2. Ask them what is normal in their native country and then try to do some of those things occasionally. If it's a hug, give them a hug. If it's bisous, give them a bisous. If it's just sitting down and trying to talk in their native language, just try. We try so hard and it'd be nice to have you try as well. 

3. Don't ignore them when they ask a question. I understand how hard it is to be patient, but take a second to put yourself in their shoes. When they're obviously trying, help them. 

4. Compliments mean the world to them.

5. Let them talk to you even if they mess up. I promise they're trying. 

6. Encourage them. A simple, "I like your hair today" or a, "I like you" is what keeps us going when we feel so frustrated.

7. Never laugh at them or comment on the fact that they call your home their home. They're in a foreign country and they desperately need to feel at home somewhere. 

8. Probably the most important; never talk about them in third person. We understand our name being said even if we don't understand what's being said about us and it brings anxiety. 

I'm being brutally honest. I've never claimed to be anything but. 

Here's a little excerpt from a day in the life of an exchange student: we wake up to get ready for another day in a place where we don't understand anything, where the people aren't those that have stood by us the longest, and the frustration builds by the second. At the same time, we wake up to face a new day full of adventures that could change the course of the rest of our lives. We eat breakfast and prepare enough food to keep our brains running, because without food we can't opporate (attention; you can't get too much or they'll talk about how much you eat which will lead to body image issues). You go in to school to do something that was once so foreign and is now normal. You ask how people are and are genuinely interested in finding out about their lives. You sit through hours of draining classes where you don't understand what homework the teacher assigned or find out about the test until the next class which is when it was due. You rush through your lunch and sit through more draining hours of school with people asking you questions and looking at you like you're stupid when it takes you 30 seconds to reply to a simple question because you're too tired to reply quickly. You sit through hours of a group of people talking when it's easier to make progress with just one or two people. After you rush home to sit down and study for another hour only to find out that it's actually doing no good. You juggle what battles you want to fight that day (homework, exercising, skype, studying, Rotary meetings/expectations, etc). You sit through hours of things with people that you've known for just a few months and it becomes excruciatingly painful how much of a foreigner you really are. When you finally get to the end of the day, you collapse into bed exhausted and frustrated 90% of the time. The rare 10% of the time, you go to bed feeling satisfied and knowing you made the best of the day and lived every moment to its fullest. 

After all of the physical demands of exchange, you get into the emotional demands of exchange. Juggling host families, friends, Rotary, and people back home is ridiculously stressful and overwhelming. Often times, exchange students get worn out more from the emotional demands of exchange than the physical demands. Exchange is no joke, and for those of you that think it's like a vacation, you're wrong. Exchange is one of the most demanding - yet best - years of your life all in one. That's why we do it. That's why we battle every day to live and to learn a new language in a place that couldn't be father from "home". And that's why we're ok with leaving our friends and family to experience the joy and pain (and joy) of exchange. 

I can honestly say that one of the hardest moments of my exchange so far was when one of my Belgian friends commented on how bad I speak in French. I hear those words over and over again as I go through the hourly battle of trying to focus and learn, and it is so discouraging. And no matter how many people say in a surprised voice, "oh she speaks well," I can still hear that one "no" in my head. I would've thought that by now it would be obvious how hard I am trying to understand and learn. I long for the day when I will be able to speak fluently and effectively so badly, but I realize that day will come with time. 

When they talked about the bond between exchange students, I never understood it. I expected to come to Belgium and have more Belgian friends than exchange friends, but that didn't happen. It's next to impossible to understand what we struggle with daily if you've never been through it yourself. And that is why we have such an unbreakable bond.

My God is bigger than a language barrier. He's bigger than a culture barrier. And He's way bigger than my fear and discouragement. And that is why I choose to fight to understand every single day. He is glorified through it all.  

Also, here's a picture describing what I wish I could say sometimes. Enjoy 😊

Railways, pizzas, and trains :)

For those of you that don't already know, Europe is known for their railways. You can easily transport to cities all around Europe for a relatively cheap price. Saturday, a group of my friends and I went to Brussels for the day. We saw a market with handmade items, ate at a pizza place (I'm convinced it's the best in the world), shopped around a little, walked for hours, almost missed our train, and made a new friend on the ride home. 

After merging with another group of exchange students, we ended up at a pizza place called Pizzeria Pronto. The pizza was impeccable, to say the least, and I'm convinced it came straight from Italy. Anywhere you find exchange students and food, you will find a camera ready to take a picture of the food. 

Everybody knows that when you're taking public transportation you're supposed to check the time and place multiple times, but no matter how many times you check there's always the possibility of the time or place of departure changing in an instant. As we were standing on platform 1 waiting for our train back to Liege, we see a train on platform 3 pull up with the name of our destination. I said, "are we runnin'?" And we took off. We ran up the stairs, through the train station, down he stairs, and jumped through one of the open doors right before they closed. All 4 of us collapsed on the floor in laughter and sighed with relief. :) as we were sitting there, speaking in English, I noticed a woman that was listening into our conversation. Everybody looks and stares when they hear a different language from a group of foreigners, but this was different. She understood the majority of what we were saying. After awhile of watching her and making eye contact, I complemented her bracelets - and the conversation started. We spoke in Franglish, because our French still isn't amazing and she wanted to speak in English. Being able to make a friend with the person sitting next to you reminded me so muh of Texas and how you could sit down for dinner at a place and be strangers at first, and friends after. She asked us questions about Rotary and what brought us to Belgium, we asked her questions about herself, and a few other people joined the conversation at some points too. Throughout the day, we had met people with kind hearts and a willing mind, and it was so incredible to see the fruit that comes from trying. I'm so thankful for little opportunities to meet people here, and to know that I might be able to make a slight impact on people exactly like our new friend. If one person can brighten my day like that, what will I experience after a whole year? To say I'm excited would be an understatement. :) 

Our new friend :)

Coffe Shop Thoughts

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of Liège as I write this. My heart is happy, filled with joy, and overflowing with emotion. The past week has been one of severe struggle and discouragement, so being able to sit in a coffee shop alone with my Bible and coffee makes my soul happy and makes me feel a little bit of home.

The past week has been one of the hardest weeks to understand and stay motivated. Last Thursday and Friday, I couldn't understand anything - no matter how hard I tried. I was getting enough sleep, I had been studying and improving everyday before that, and I was motivated. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to understand. I would have to ask my friends to repeat simple things that I already knew two or three times, just because my brain couldn't comprehend. It was so discouraging for me to know that I should be able to understand what was being said, but I simply couldn't. It wasn't homesickness, it wasn't exhaustion, it just didn't click. Part of what confused me so much was that I had started the week out so well and understood so much!

Not being able to understand things can be a blessing sometimes too. I'd be sitting in class, feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, and a bird would land on a branch outside the window and start singing. It blew me away how God sends little blessings like that, and I get overwhelmed with how good He is in those stressful moments where I feel so alone and hopeless. Granted, I couldn't understand any better after the bird had flown away and I'd refocused, but it was that little encouragement that I needed to keep going and trying.

One of my favorite things about Belgium is the family. My host family eats with their family at least once a week, and it's so refreshing for me to see that.

Rotary went to the Citadelle a couple of weeks ago, and I was blown away by my beautiful host country yet again. Candles lined the streets and led up to the staircase. If I understood correctly, the staircase leads to the highest point in Liege. With 374 steps, it's a hefty walk to the top that requires a lot of motivation and leg strength. As we walked around, I was in awe of how much culture I saw there. They had booths set up on each side of the street, with so many different options to eat and drink. We took a tour with Rotary, and afterwards I went with my second host family to explore some more. After Chelsea and I had split off from our host family, we called my friends from church to meet up with them... however, we were nowhere near where they were. So we stopped at the Quick (it's like Burger King or McDonald's), got a bottle of water, asked for directions, and started our journey to find the park we were meeting them at. The instructions on how to get there were... splotchy. We got completely lost, and we were starting to get worried because both of our phones were almost dead (9% battery). We were walking down the street, and I started praying out loud. To say that God answered that prayer would be a understatement because He provided a miracle. The fireworks started, we still weren't with my church friends, and in a country where we'd been for a month and a half we found people we knew. Out of thousands of people, we found the Scouts. We were both blown away, to say the least, and all I could do was point and stare with my mouth open when we saw them. These are the things that make me fall more in love with this place.

On Saturday, I went to a city called Namur with Rotary and the fair with some of my friends from school. Namur was so cool, and I was surprised at how much fun it was! If you're ever around a group of exchange students - on a train, in a meeting with parliament, in a store - you'll probably hear our chant. Sometimes the timing isn't impeccable, but sometimes it is so fun to unite as one. It's something that's indescribable. Students from all over the world sing one song for all to hear. Granted, the things that the song says (in Portuguese and Spanish) are not very good things, but I can't help thinking that one day God will call the nations together with one voice like that.

One thing I didn't realize would be a struggle is the loss of identity from not speaking the language around you. When you're away from everything that's kept you accountable, everything that you loved, and everything that you've ever known, it is so easy to feel like you've lost your identity. To feel like you don't belong. To feel unwanted and like a burden. To feel hopeless. To feel alone. Even with the exchange students around, the people that are going through the same stuff, it's so easy to feel alone. It sounds so cliché, but people honestly don't understand what it's like to not have a language, identity, or independence. In Texas, I was so independent. I was able to take care of myself and get around without people helping me. But here, that's not the case. I hate feeling like a burden to people, and I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do to help or make it better. But that is my life right now, and everyday I have to make myself accept that. God is teaching me to be gracious with myself. 5 minutes at a time. One day, I will be able to speak confidently. To have an identity again. To feel like I am a part of life here and not have to fight to be a part of a conversation. To feel like I belong. I tell myself daily that I have to love on the people here as much as I can, but I also have to love on myself. No matter the exhaustion and the frustration, it will eventually get better. This language block has been going on for over a week now, and I'm so tired of not understanding anything except "how are you?" Nobody said this would be easy, but it's possible. Everyday when I go through my roller coaster of emotions every 5 minutes, I tell myself that I'm not here to float through life, I'm here to learn who I am. So I will fight to be a part of conversations. I will fight to keep a smile on my face when all I want to do is curl up in bed with chocolate and Netflix. I will fight the good fight, because God has called me here. I want nothing more than to understand the language and the people around me. I want to fit in and to fall in love with this amazing country even more than I already have. And I want to make an impact here. So even though I feel discouraged and I'm always exhausted, I know I will get the hang of it eventually.

God calls us out upon the waters, and I'm farther than I've ever been before. He is stronger than the exhaustion and discouragement. He is a healer and a lover. So I live for those moments of the bird singing, the miracles, and the understanding of a person without words. I'm so thankful for my church here, and the encouragement that they provide me with. I heard Him call, and I said, "Lord, I am coming." So I am here. And He will not fail. He is a healer.

I am not perfect, but I am trying. And that's all I can do.

The Citadelle

Liege from the top of the stairs

Arkab and I :)

American's and  Brazilian's!

The fair

Until next time,
KP

They Call This "Limbo"

When my Rotex told me about "language headaches" I never could've imagined how intense those "headaches" could get. After staying home for three days from school because I was sick, I had the worst language headaches I've ever experienced. I'd start the day out extremely motivated and thinking, "yes! I can do this! I can learn another language!" and by the end of the day I would be thinking, "I just want to sleep. Is there chocolate around? What a pretty leaf." and I'd fall into my bed as soon as I got home. I thought I had realized and surpassed the discouragement that comes from trying to rush into understanding a language, but after I forced myself to study an extra two hours after school yesterday, and didn't remember a thing I had studied, I realized how important time is. To add onto all of that, it's almost like not having a language. Speaking English is hard, speaking French is hard. Neither are easy, neither make sense. There comes a time when the "limbo" happens and there are no languages that make sense or click. I leave school exhausted and tired of trying to understand French, just to feel even more exhausted when I try to understand English. It's funny to me when I think about the way we form sentences, and the way they form sentences, and honestly neither one makes much sense at the moment. There is so much beauty in that struggle, but it is exhausting.

The other day I had my first allergy scare. Looking back now, it's rather humorous to think about! My host mom is an amazing cook, and I absolutely adore my host family. They are so helpful with so many things, and I honestly don't think I could've gotten any luckier with my first host family. One night Franca made pasta, which is a normal occurrence since my host family is Italian, and I ate it expecting everything to be alright. After a couple of bits, I realized that I couldn't feel my tongue and stopped eating. Me being me, I didn't say anything right away because I thought it might go away after I had some water, but eventually I asked Franca what it is and she told me. I nervously told them, "I think I might be allergic haha" and Vincent looked up a picture of the unknown ingredient (cashews). Yup. I was allergic! My mind said, "whale, are you ready for this little adventure, Kaitlyn?" and I started laughing at myself. I went up to my room, able to breathe just a little less than I could with my mild case of Bronchitis, and came down with my Epi Pen. I explained to Franca what had to be done, in a language I can barely understand, as I was trying to remain calm and laugh at myself - all at the same time. The whole ordeal actually ended up being a huge blessing, because while I had felt at home with my host family, this made them feel like my real family. And I realize that even though I'm only here for a year, this experience and these people will go with me through the rest of my life because of what I experience here. There's no way I can leave not changed. These people are my family, and a part of my heart will always be here because of it.

Rotary took us to see one of the military bases here and it was so cool to think about how much history is here. As we walk through Liege, meeting  people from all around the world, and building memories, I can't help but be blown away by the historic beauty of this place. Everyday is a struggle, and everyday is a beautiful adventure.