Kaitlyn's Kapers: Coffe Shop Thoughts

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of Liège as I write this. My heart is happy, filled with joy, and overflowing with emotion. The past week has been one of severe struggle and discouragement, so being able to sit in a coffee shop alone with my Bible and coffee makes my soul happy and makes me feel a little bit of home.

The past week has been one of the hardest weeks to understand and stay motivated. Last Thursday and Friday, I couldn't understand anything - no matter how hard I tried. I was getting enough sleep, I had been studying and improving everyday before that, and I was motivated. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to understand. I would have to ask my friends to repeat simple things that I already knew two or three times, just because my brain couldn't comprehend. It was so discouraging for me to know that I should be able to understand what was being said, but I simply couldn't. It wasn't homesickness, it wasn't exhaustion, it just didn't click. Part of what confused me so much was that I had started the week out so well and understood so much!

Not being able to understand things can be a blessing sometimes too. I'd be sitting in class, feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, and a bird would land on a branch outside the window and start singing. It blew me away how God sends little blessings like that, and I get overwhelmed with how good He is in those stressful moments where I feel so alone and hopeless. Granted, I couldn't understand any better after the bird had flown away and I'd refocused, but it was that little encouragement that I needed to keep going and trying.

One of my favorite things about Belgium is the family. My host family eats with their family at least once a week, and it's so refreshing for me to see that.

Rotary went to the Citadelle a couple of weeks ago, and I was blown away by my beautiful host country yet again. Candles lined the streets and led up to the staircase. If I understood correctly, the staircase leads to the highest point in Liege. With 374 steps, it's a hefty walk to the top that requires a lot of motivation and leg strength. As we walked around, I was in awe of how much culture I saw there. They had booths set up on each side of the street, with so many different options to eat and drink. We took a tour with Rotary, and afterwards I went with my second host family to explore some more. After Chelsea and I had split off from our host family, we called my friends from church to meet up with them... however, we were nowhere near where they were. So we stopped at the Quick (it's like Burger King or McDonald's), got a bottle of water, asked for directions, and started our journey to find the park we were meeting them at. The instructions on how to get there were... splotchy. We got completely lost, and we were starting to get worried because both of our phones were almost dead (9% battery). We were walking down the street, and I started praying out loud. To say that God answered that prayer would be a understatement because He provided a miracle. The fireworks started, we still weren't with my church friends, and in a country where we'd been for a month and a half we found people we knew. Out of thousands of people, we found the Scouts. We were both blown away, to say the least, and all I could do was point and stare with my mouth open when we saw them. These are the things that make me fall more in love with this place.

On Saturday, I went to a city called Namur with Rotary and the fair with some of my friends from school. Namur was so cool, and I was surprised at how much fun it was! If you're ever around a group of exchange students - on a train, in a meeting with parliament, in a store - you'll probably hear our chant. Sometimes the timing isn't impeccable, but sometimes it is so fun to unite as one. It's something that's indescribable. Students from all over the world sing one song for all to hear. Granted, the things that the song says (in Portuguese and Spanish) are not very good things, but I can't help thinking that one day God will call the nations together with one voice like that.

One thing I didn't realize would be a struggle is the loss of identity from not speaking the language around you. When you're away from everything that's kept you accountable, everything that you loved, and everything that you've ever known, it is so easy to feel like you've lost your identity. To feel like you don't belong. To feel unwanted and like a burden. To feel hopeless. To feel alone. Even with the exchange students around, the people that are going through the same stuff, it's so easy to feel alone. It sounds so cliché, but people honestly don't understand what it's like to not have a language, identity, or independence. In Texas, I was so independent. I was able to take care of myself and get around without people helping me. But here, that's not the case. I hate feeling like a burden to people, and I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do to help or make it better. But that is my life right now, and everyday I have to make myself accept that. God is teaching me to be gracious with myself. 5 minutes at a time. One day, I will be able to speak confidently. To have an identity again. To feel like I am a part of life here and not have to fight to be a part of a conversation. To feel like I belong. I tell myself daily that I have to love on the people here as much as I can, but I also have to love on myself. No matter the exhaustion and the frustration, it will eventually get better. This language block has been going on for over a week now, and I'm so tired of not understanding anything except "how are you?" Nobody said this would be easy, but it's possible. Everyday when I go through my roller coaster of emotions every 5 minutes, I tell myself that I'm not here to float through life, I'm here to learn who I am. So I will fight to be a part of conversations. I will fight to keep a smile on my face when all I want to do is curl up in bed with chocolate and Netflix. I will fight the good fight, because God has called me here. I want nothing more than to understand the language and the people around me. I want to fit in and to fall in love with this amazing country even more than I already have. And I want to make an impact here. So even though I feel discouraged and I'm always exhausted, I know I will get the hang of it eventually.

God calls us out upon the waters, and I'm farther than I've ever been before. He is stronger than the exhaustion and discouragement. He is a healer and a lover. So I live for those moments of the bird singing, the miracles, and the understanding of a person without words. I'm so thankful for my church here, and the encouragement that they provide me with. I heard Him call, and I said, "Lord, I am coming." So I am here. And He will not fail. He is a healer.

I am not perfect, but I am trying. And that's all I can do.