December in a Box

This month has been full of uncomfortable situations and growth. As I look back over December, I can literally see a transformation: one that makes me wonder who I will be by the end of my exchange. December went from hard, to blessed, to even harder, to even more blessed. Here's why:

At outbound camp they warned us that the holidays and birthdays are the hardest times of your exchange (except coming and leaving) and that after Christmas things get so much better and time flies. As I experienced both my birthday and Christmas this month, I realized that what they said couldn't be more true. As my birthday got closer, all I could think about was the traditions that would be broken with my family - the hardest was not being with my grandma. The day of my birthday came along and it ended up being one of the most memorable days I've had in Belgium. Starting out with praising the Lord at my church, having 40+ people sing happy birthday in French to me, and ending with my family and friends at my host families house for hot dogs and cake (teremisue is my favorite and my host moms the best cook). I found my heart overflowing with all the blessings that were poured over me that day. I found myself comfortable. 

A week later I went bowling with my friends for my birthday and in the midst of it all, I found out that my dog had to be put down. As I sat on the other side of the bowling alley talking to my dog and realizing that she didn't even remember my voice, I broke. I got hit, in an instant, with a massive wall of homesickness. One that left me sobbing in front of everyone I love and care about here. I thank the Lord that my friends were there to comfort and hug me in that moment, to carry me when I couldn't carry myself, because I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out of the homesickness I had begun to drown in without them. 

That day started one of the hardest seasons of my exchange, but also the season that led to the greatest breakthrough. I found myself longing to be home, unable to enjoy what was right in front of me. I longed to be hugged by my mom, watch my dad as he worked, cook macaroni with my grandma, and go to Starbucks with my friends. I longed for the comfort that my heart had grown up with. I longed to get in my car and just drive with the music blaring. But I also realized that in all of that, there was also the beauty of the unknown. I had to fight daily to keep trying to converse with my friends and family here, to keep putting myself out there, and to not let myself fall too far. I relied on the Lords strength so completely in that time. But I also found myself walking into one of the roughest patches with the Lord in that time. I found Him silent, and it killed me. If there is anything that made that time the hardest, it would be that. I felt guilty because I couldn't hear the Lord. I felt like I had failed in the only thing that really mattered; my relationship with the Lord. I fell into temptation, went through the motions, and shut my heart down. It wasn't until I had verbally confessed everything that had been burdening my heart to my bestfriend that I felt the Lord speak again. And praise the Lord because He did speak! Boldly! Endlessly! And everything changed. 

The 24th I went with my family to celebrate with my host moms side of the family. I got to experience my family in a way that I hadn't before. I was able to partake in traditions, see them in ways I'd never seen before, and spend my first Christmas with a real family. One that had accepted me though my failures and awful French. One that had taught me and walked with me through some of the hardest times of my life. 

The 25th we celebrated with my host dads side of the family. I was able to (successfully) stay away and talk to everyone there. Ironically, we ate the same thing at both Christmas' but It was good. I managed to not miss anything about Texas except for my favorite Christmas dish (cheesy potato casserole). My heart was full. I had successfully survived my first Christmas away from my parents. Not only had I survived, but I had thrived (with a few glitches here and there).

I think in a way, experiencing such an amazing Christmas here made me slightly scared for what the next one will be like. One where it's just me and my little family. One where the brokenness is brutally honest. But experiencing that also gave me hope. Hope that family is true, is real. That it's not just a myth. So if there is one thing that I have learned over the past month, it's that family is true. 

Today is New Year's Eve and I'll be spending it with my friends from church, dancing the night away, New Years I'll be with my host family, Rotary is going to Bruge on the 2nd, and I change to my second host family on the 4th. Where did the time go? Life's about to fly. 

I pray the Lord blessed and watches each and every one of you as you go through the next month. 

Until next time,

KP

Those "Wow" Moments

Today on my way to gym I had one of those "holy crap I live in Belgium" moments. As we crossed the river, I saw the trees with their beautiful colors and fallen leaves on the ground around them. We passed the statues and the rails had gold designs on them and it hit me - I'm living in a foreign country, learning a foreign language, and experiencing authentic native things. How did I get so lucky? I will admit, last week was extremely hard, but I can't deny the fact that I'm still astonished that I get the opportunity to live here. As I battle with little choices like asking a question, or studying this or that, I get overwhelmed. But when I have those "wow" moments, those moments of unbelief, it makes it all worth it. Building relationships with natives, no matter how hard it may be some days, is so worth it. And I find that every time I try to carry on a conversation, I feel more satisfied at the end of the day. Knowing that I can make myself understood (even if it's not right) is one of the most satisfying feelings. Every time I speak, I can find something to fix, but the fact that I'm trying, is enough. I've gotten to the point where I can tell when I said something wrong, but can't always figure out why, I'm starting to be able to apply a few conjunction rules, and I'm able to understand more in class.  There's still a few days where I just can't focus and I'm too tired to try as hard as I'd like. But I can always find a reason to smile through it. 

Today I am thankful for the little moments. 

A Day in the Life of an Exchange Student

There are some days where I find it so hard to stay positive even though it seems like I can barely float in this thing called life, and there are some days where I can't help but smile from ear to ear because I've understood more than the day before.

I'm not one to fall into homesickness often, but there are days where I just miss comfort. Where I miss buying Sweet Tea from Mcalisters, or a Peppermint Hot Chocolate from Starbucks, and getting in my car with the windows rolled down and the music turned up as I drive through the countryside. There are moments where I miss coming home from my school to my moms hugs or my dads jokes. There are days where I miss all the easy busyness I found myself in 99% of the time. But most of all, I miss not feeling like a burden. 

There are some days where I can get around by myself, talk effectively, and feel motivated to understand. There are days where I don't miss anything about Texas. There are days where I can already feel how hard it's going to be when I have to leave. And there are days where I get so attached and feel so much love for the people around me. 

For those of you that know an exchange student or will know one in the future, here's some tips:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, call them lazy, stupid, or accuse them of not trying "hard enough". This doesn't help with language improvement especially when it is obvious that we're trying. Chances are we actually do understand what you're saying and are too nice to stand up for ourselves. 

2. Ask them what is normal in their native country and then try to do some of those things occasionally. If it's a hug, give them a hug. If it's bisous, give them a bisous. If it's just sitting down and trying to talk in their native language, just try. We try so hard and it'd be nice to have you try as well. 

3. Don't ignore them when they ask a question. I understand how hard it is to be patient, but take a second to put yourself in their shoes. When they're obviously trying, help them. 

4. Compliments mean the world to them.

5. Let them talk to you even if they mess up. I promise they're trying. 

6. Encourage them. A simple, "I like your hair today" or a, "I like you" is what keeps us going when we feel so frustrated.

7. Never laugh at them or comment on the fact that they call your home their home. They're in a foreign country and they desperately need to feel at home somewhere. 

8. Probably the most important; never talk about them in third person. We understand our name being said even if we don't understand what's being said about us and it brings anxiety. 

I'm being brutally honest. I've never claimed to be anything but. 

Here's a little excerpt from a day in the life of an exchange student: we wake up to get ready for another day in a place where we don't understand anything, where the people aren't those that have stood by us the longest, and the frustration builds by the second. At the same time, we wake up to face a new day full of adventures that could change the course of the rest of our lives. We eat breakfast and prepare enough food to keep our brains running, because without food we can't opporate (attention; you can't get too much or they'll talk about how much you eat which will lead to body image issues). You go in to school to do something that was once so foreign and is now normal. You ask how people are and are genuinely interested in finding out about their lives. You sit through hours of draining classes where you don't understand what homework the teacher assigned or find out about the test until the next class which is when it was due. You rush through your lunch and sit through more draining hours of school with people asking you questions and looking at you like you're stupid when it takes you 30 seconds to reply to a simple question because you're too tired to reply quickly. You sit through hours of a group of people talking when it's easier to make progress with just one or two people. After you rush home to sit down and study for another hour only to find out that it's actually doing no good. You juggle what battles you want to fight that day (homework, exercising, skype, studying, Rotary meetings/expectations, etc). You sit through hours of things with people that you've known for just a few months and it becomes excruciatingly painful how much of a foreigner you really are. When you finally get to the end of the day, you collapse into bed exhausted and frustrated 90% of the time. The rare 10% of the time, you go to bed feeling satisfied and knowing you made the best of the day and lived every moment to its fullest. 

After all of the physical demands of exchange, you get into the emotional demands of exchange. Juggling host families, friends, Rotary, and people back home is ridiculously stressful and overwhelming. Often times, exchange students get worn out more from the emotional demands of exchange than the physical demands. Exchange is no joke, and for those of you that think it's like a vacation, you're wrong. Exchange is one of the most demanding - yet best - years of your life all in one. That's why we do it. That's why we battle every day to live and to learn a new language in a place that couldn't be father from "home". And that's why we're ok with leaving our friends and family to experience the joy and pain (and joy) of exchange. 

I can honestly say that one of the hardest moments of my exchange so far was when one of my Belgian friends commented on how bad I speak in French. I hear those words over and over again as I go through the hourly battle of trying to focus and learn, and it is so discouraging. And no matter how many people say in a surprised voice, "oh she speaks well," I can still hear that one "no" in my head. I would've thought that by now it would be obvious how hard I am trying to understand and learn. I long for the day when I will be able to speak fluently and effectively so badly, but I realize that day will come with time. 

When they talked about the bond between exchange students, I never understood it. I expected to come to Belgium and have more Belgian friends than exchange friends, but that didn't happen. It's next to impossible to understand what we struggle with daily if you've never been through it yourself. And that is why we have such an unbreakable bond.

My God is bigger than a language barrier. He's bigger than a culture barrier. And He's way bigger than my fear and discouragement. And that is why I choose to fight to understand every single day. He is glorified through it all.  

Also, here's a picture describing what I wish I could say sometimes. Enjoy 😊

Railways, pizzas, and trains :)

For those of you that don't already know, Europe is known for their railways. You can easily transport to cities all around Europe for a relatively cheap price. Saturday, a group of my friends and I went to Brussels for the day. We saw a market with handmade items, ate at a pizza place (I'm convinced it's the best in the world), shopped around a little, walked for hours, almost missed our train, and made a new friend on the ride home. 

After merging with another group of exchange students, we ended up at a pizza place called Pizzeria Pronto. The pizza was impeccable, to say the least, and I'm convinced it came straight from Italy. Anywhere you find exchange students and food, you will find a camera ready to take a picture of the food. 

Everybody knows that when you're taking public transportation you're supposed to check the time and place multiple times, but no matter how many times you check there's always the possibility of the time or place of departure changing in an instant. As we were standing on platform 1 waiting for our train back to Liege, we see a train on platform 3 pull up with the name of our destination. I said, "are we runnin'?" And we took off. We ran up the stairs, through the train station, down he stairs, and jumped through one of the open doors right before they closed. All 4 of us collapsed on the floor in laughter and sighed with relief. :) as we were sitting there, speaking in English, I noticed a woman that was listening into our conversation. Everybody looks and stares when they hear a different language from a group of foreigners, but this was different. She understood the majority of what we were saying. After awhile of watching her and making eye contact, I complemented her bracelets - and the conversation started. We spoke in Franglish, because our French still isn't amazing and she wanted to speak in English. Being able to make a friend with the person sitting next to you reminded me so muh of Texas and how you could sit down for dinner at a place and be strangers at first, and friends after. She asked us questions about Rotary and what brought us to Belgium, we asked her questions about herself, and a few other people joined the conversation at some points too. Throughout the day, we had met people with kind hearts and a willing mind, and it was so incredible to see the fruit that comes from trying. I'm so thankful for little opportunities to meet people here, and to know that I might be able to make a slight impact on people exactly like our new friend. If one person can brighten my day like that, what will I experience after a whole year? To say I'm excited would be an understatement. :) 

Our new friend :)

Coffe Shop Thoughts

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of Liège as I write this. My heart is happy, filled with joy, and overflowing with emotion. The past week has been one of severe struggle and discouragement, so being able to sit in a coffee shop alone with my Bible and coffee makes my soul happy and makes me feel a little bit of home.

The past week has been one of the hardest weeks to understand and stay motivated. Last Thursday and Friday, I couldn't understand anything - no matter how hard I tried. I was getting enough sleep, I had been studying and improving everyday before that, and I was motivated. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to understand. I would have to ask my friends to repeat simple things that I already knew two or three times, just because my brain couldn't comprehend. It was so discouraging for me to know that I should be able to understand what was being said, but I simply couldn't. It wasn't homesickness, it wasn't exhaustion, it just didn't click. Part of what confused me so much was that I had started the week out so well and understood so much!

Not being able to understand things can be a blessing sometimes too. I'd be sitting in class, feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, and a bird would land on a branch outside the window and start singing. It blew me away how God sends little blessings like that, and I get overwhelmed with how good He is in those stressful moments where I feel so alone and hopeless. Granted, I couldn't understand any better after the bird had flown away and I'd refocused, but it was that little encouragement that I needed to keep going and trying.

One of my favorite things about Belgium is the family. My host family eats with their family at least once a week, and it's so refreshing for me to see that.

Rotary went to the Citadelle a couple of weeks ago, and I was blown away by my beautiful host country yet again. Candles lined the streets and led up to the staircase. If I understood correctly, the staircase leads to the highest point in Liege. With 374 steps, it's a hefty walk to the top that requires a lot of motivation and leg strength. As we walked around, I was in awe of how much culture I saw there. They had booths set up on each side of the street, with so many different options to eat and drink. We took a tour with Rotary, and afterwards I went with my second host family to explore some more. After Chelsea and I had split off from our host family, we called my friends from church to meet up with them... however, we were nowhere near where they were. So we stopped at the Quick (it's like Burger King or McDonald's), got a bottle of water, asked for directions, and started our journey to find the park we were meeting them at. The instructions on how to get there were... splotchy. We got completely lost, and we were starting to get worried because both of our phones were almost dead (9% battery). We were walking down the street, and I started praying out loud. To say that God answered that prayer would be a understatement because He provided a miracle. The fireworks started, we still weren't with my church friends, and in a country where we'd been for a month and a half we found people we knew. Out of thousands of people, we found the Scouts. We were both blown away, to say the least, and all I could do was point and stare with my mouth open when we saw them. These are the things that make me fall more in love with this place.

On Saturday, I went to a city called Namur with Rotary and the fair with some of my friends from school. Namur was so cool, and I was surprised at how much fun it was! If you're ever around a group of exchange students - on a train, in a meeting with parliament, in a store - you'll probably hear our chant. Sometimes the timing isn't impeccable, but sometimes it is so fun to unite as one. It's something that's indescribable. Students from all over the world sing one song for all to hear. Granted, the things that the song says (in Portuguese and Spanish) are not very good things, but I can't help thinking that one day God will call the nations together with one voice like that.

One thing I didn't realize would be a struggle is the loss of identity from not speaking the language around you. When you're away from everything that's kept you accountable, everything that you loved, and everything that you've ever known, it is so easy to feel like you've lost your identity. To feel like you don't belong. To feel unwanted and like a burden. To feel hopeless. To feel alone. Even with the exchange students around, the people that are going through the same stuff, it's so easy to feel alone. It sounds so cliché, but people honestly don't understand what it's like to not have a language, identity, or independence. In Texas, I was so independent. I was able to take care of myself and get around without people helping me. But here, that's not the case. I hate feeling like a burden to people, and I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do to help or make it better. But that is my life right now, and everyday I have to make myself accept that. God is teaching me to be gracious with myself. 5 minutes at a time. One day, I will be able to speak confidently. To have an identity again. To feel like I am a part of life here and not have to fight to be a part of a conversation. To feel like I belong. I tell myself daily that I have to love on the people here as much as I can, but I also have to love on myself. No matter the exhaustion and the frustration, it will eventually get better. This language block has been going on for over a week now, and I'm so tired of not understanding anything except "how are you?" Nobody said this would be easy, but it's possible. Everyday when I go through my roller coaster of emotions every 5 minutes, I tell myself that I'm not here to float through life, I'm here to learn who I am. So I will fight to be a part of conversations. I will fight to keep a smile on my face when all I want to do is curl up in bed with chocolate and Netflix. I will fight the good fight, because God has called me here. I want nothing more than to understand the language and the people around me. I want to fit in and to fall in love with this amazing country even more than I already have. And I want to make an impact here. So even though I feel discouraged and I'm always exhausted, I know I will get the hang of it eventually.

God calls us out upon the waters, and I'm farther than I've ever been before. He is stronger than the exhaustion and discouragement. He is a healer and a lover. So I live for those moments of the bird singing, the miracles, and the understanding of a person without words. I'm so thankful for my church here, and the encouragement that they provide me with. I heard Him call, and I said, "Lord, I am coming." So I am here. And He will not fail. He is a healer.

I am not perfect, but I am trying. And that's all I can do.

The Citadelle

Liege from the top of the stairs

Arkab and I :)

American's and  Brazilian's!

The fair

Until next time,
KP

They Call This "Limbo"

When my Rotex told me about "language headaches" I never could've imagined how intense those "headaches" could get. After staying home for three days from school because I was sick, I had the worst language headaches I've ever experienced. I'd start the day out extremely motivated and thinking, "yes! I can do this! I can learn another language!" and by the end of the day I would be thinking, "I just want to sleep. Is there chocolate around? What a pretty leaf." and I'd fall into my bed as soon as I got home. I thought I had realized and surpassed the discouragement that comes from trying to rush into understanding a language, but after I forced myself to study an extra two hours after school yesterday, and didn't remember a thing I had studied, I realized how important time is. To add onto all of that, it's almost like not having a language. Speaking English is hard, speaking French is hard. Neither are easy, neither make sense. There comes a time when the "limbo" happens and there are no languages that make sense or click. I leave school exhausted and tired of trying to understand French, just to feel even more exhausted when I try to understand English. It's funny to me when I think about the way we form sentences, and the way they form sentences, and honestly neither one makes much sense at the moment. There is so much beauty in that struggle, but it is exhausting.

The other day I had my first allergy scare. Looking back now, it's rather humorous to think about! My host mom is an amazing cook, and I absolutely adore my host family. They are so helpful with so many things, and I honestly don't think I could've gotten any luckier with my first host family. One night Franca made pasta, which is a normal occurrence since my host family is Italian, and I ate it expecting everything to be alright. After a couple of bits, I realized that I couldn't feel my tongue and stopped eating. Me being me, I didn't say anything right away because I thought it might go away after I had some water, but eventually I asked Franca what it is and she told me. I nervously told them, "I think I might be allergic haha" and Vincent looked up a picture of the unknown ingredient (cashews). Yup. I was allergic! My mind said, "whale, are you ready for this little adventure, Kaitlyn?" and I started laughing at myself. I went up to my room, able to breathe just a little less than I could with my mild case of Bronchitis, and came down with my Epi Pen. I explained to Franca what had to be done, in a language I can barely understand, as I was trying to remain calm and laugh at myself - all at the same time. The whole ordeal actually ended up being a huge blessing, because while I had felt at home with my host family, this made them feel like my real family. And I realize that even though I'm only here for a year, this experience and these people will go with me through the rest of my life because of what I experience here. There's no way I can leave not changed. These people are my family, and a part of my heart will always be here because of it.

Rotary took us to see one of the military bases here and it was so cool to think about how much history is here. As we walk through Liege, meeting  people from all around the world, and building memories, I can't help but be blown away by the historic beauty of this place. Everyday is a struggle, and everyday is a beautiful adventure.

Joy in the Little Things

The past two weeks have blown me away. I have begun to pick up on more conversations going on around me, ran in the rain, seen a different side of Belgium's beauty, danced in the rain, kayaked down a river, saw a castle, realized how proud I am to be an American, and fallen in love with everyone and everything.

The language is getting easier, but it is still a major struggle. I'm able to pick up on a lot more conversations and it catches my Belgian friends off guard when I comment on something that they thought I couldn't understand. It gives me hope when I see the shock on their face after they realize that I've understood something. :) My friends at school are incredible. I've never met people who are so patient and willing to help somebody who's basically illiterate. There are days where I'll be working on my packet of French and they'll sit down, watch me, and correct me when I mess up (which happens a lot). I'm beginning to understand the past, present, and future participles and I can even put it to use with a couple of words! It's frustrating to still not understand everything, but I'm realizing more and more that everything comes with time. Y'all know I'm not a patient person, but I've definitely learned how to be more patient with myself since I've been here. At first, I would get extremely frustrated with myself for not understanding something that my friends were asking me, but then I realized that getting frustrated with myself doesn't help me, it actually hurts me. I still miss a ton in school, and I don't realize little things like having homework or a test the next day, but I can't expect myself to be able to carry the same weight as the people who have been studying the language for 17+ years. That's not possible. So when somebody asks if I completed the homework or passed the test and I say, "no" and get a look of disapproval, I have to be gracious with myself because it's not possible. I physically and mentally can't carry the same weight as the students here. While I am trying my hardest to understand and learn with the students here, my main focus is learning the language and building relationships - not passing the history test. So regardless of what the people around me expect, all I can do is my best.

Rotary organizes trips once a month on Wednesdays (since we have half days on Wednesdays) and the last one was to a place called Blegny Mine. They split up by countries (so we could understand) but they split America up in two groups - one in French, and one in English. I went on the one in French and was ridiculously happy when I could understand what was being said. :)

We watched a documentary on 9/11 in school the other day and it amazed me how much it affected me and made me proud to be an American. I found myself near tears at certain points, angry at some points, and so ridiculously proud of the way we handled ourselves in that disaster. I found myself thinking about how they think they understand America, but they don't understand what it was like to remember that day and how every family sat in front of the TV all night and cried. Or to hear the staggering death tolls. Or what it is still like every year on social medias and with all the memorials. Even in a little town in Texas, it's still a big deal 13 years later... It made me so thankful for every fireman, police officer, doctor, nurse, civilian, and anybody else that helps protect and make our country what it is (especially you daddy). I've never been so proud to be an American.

Rotex are a group of rebound exchange students - meaning that they are natives who have gone on exchange in a different country and have come back and continued to stay involved in Rotary (I want to do this when I get back to Texas). Yesterday I was blessed with the opportunity to go kayaking with Rotex. We paddled 20km (the equivalent of 12 miles), danced in a green field, and saw a castle. The first half I was slightly agitated because I hadn't had sleep in 3+ days and was absolutely exhausted, but then My and I (a friend from Florida) got stuck on a rock it completely changed my view on what not only the day was about, but also what Rotary was about. By that time, My and I had become a good team and were able to maneuver around almost any obstical... that we could see.. :P Well, we didn't see one rock, and once we were on it there was no getting off of it! One of the Rotex and exchange student passed us, laughed, and turned around to help us. I was completely helpless with getting us off because I'd hit the delirium stage of exhaustion where all you can do is laugh. It was one of those moments where you had two choices - 1. get really mad. or 2. laugh and enjoy the (literal) bump in the road. I chose the second. After I'd almost fallen in the water from laughing so hard, I found myself enjoying everything so much more! I saw the leaves changing colors, heard the birds singing, and felt the joy from the water splashing on me. Everything completely changed, and I loved it. Being able to see some friends that I don't normally get to see was so refreshing, and it made me realize just how much I love and adore these people from every corner of the world.

As I find myself more comfortable here, falling in love with it, and understanding more, I also find myself missing little things like the trucks, the sweet tea, and the dirt road, but the thing I miss most are the people. And while I love this place and the people here, my heart is dividing more everyday and I find myself calling two places "home." That gives me hope. There is something so much bigger for this year, and I'm just barely beginning to understand it. I've experienced the division in my heart with Mexico, and that was just for two weeks, so I can only imagine how hard it will be to leave. I'm falling in love with this place and everyday I learn more about myself than I've ever known before. If somebody asked me who I thought I'd be after one month on exchange, this is not what I would have said. But the longer that I'm here, the more I learn that life is unexpected and things happen in time. I love that I've grown to adore this place more than I ever could've imagined and I can't wait to see what happens in the next month. :)

Blegny Mine

My favorite Pita restaurant!

The view on one of my runs

Waffles and friends :)

The river



Dancing in the rain :)



School!

The castle on our adventure

School with Chloe and Valentine :)

Dancing in front of the train station after kayaking

The church in the town we kayaked to

First Month Reflections

I have officially survived my first week of school in a foreign country!! I wish there were words to explain everything that happened, but it's not possible. This post will be short n' sweet. :)

I'm so unbelievably thankful for this opportunity. As I sit here, in this moment, and reflect everything that's happened to me over the past month, I'm amazed at what God has sent me through. It makes me so aware of how... little I can do without His help. Going to school, even in Texas, is a struggle for me. And a lot of times, I can't understand things there, much less in a foreign language. But as I walked through this week in Belgium, I made new friends that I love and adore, realized that I actually knew more about science than I thought I did, lost my ability to type without having to correct myself a million times, and fell in love with this breathtaking country. When I say I can't type in English anymore, I'm not kidding! Just writing one sentence takes a good three minutes with countless journeys to the Back Space button. That makes my heart happy. :)

Today is my one month mark and I'm realizing how much I've grown. My reliance on Christ has gone to new depths, my love for Him has reached new heights, and my thankfulness has seen a new light of His presence. The fact that He would take me on this journey just to show me how vast His love is, BLOWS MY MIND. Every day breaks my comfort zone - and He walks with me the whole way! How awesome is it that I serve a God who walks with me every single step? I am in awe.

This country, this language, these people, this hope - it's a blessing. And for every step of my journey here, I long to be His hands and feet. Every up and every down are worth it when I get to see His face more clearly and His heart in a new light because of it. Thank you to everyone who made this possible, who has supported me with encouragement and prayer, and who has walked with me every step of the way. God is faithful, my friends. And He is shaking this world every day.

Until next time, bisous!
KP

Reliance = Joy

Yesterday was my first official day of school and let's just say... It didn't go well. 

I set my alarm for 6:00 and woke up at 7:35 to my host brother knocking on my door to ask what I wanted for breakfast... I jumped out of bed and threw clothes on faster than I've ever done before and walked out the door as I chugged my coffee. Needless to say, that's not the best way to start your first day of school in a foreign country. We pulled up to the school and booked it only to wait around with friends that I still didn't know. 

Français was my first class and my teacher talked about what books we'd be reading and talk quickly with slurred words. I understood a little, but not much. 

My second class was Biology and my teacher was awesome. I could understand most of what she was saying and was able to identify words like "chromosomes" which made me really relieved. 

Then came Religion class... I'm the only Protestant at my school so I could choose to take a Protestant class but it would just be me and the professor and I'm not sure how I feel about that... So I went with Vincent and Fiona to the Catholic class and the teacher just about scared the bajesus out of me. He talked so fast and didn't enunciate his words at all which made it impossible to understand him. Then he would ask me questions and get annoyed at how I couldn't understand immediately after so he'd ask in broken English with a raised voice, "where es u from!?" And I would answer in a quiet voice, "Texas..." I left that class stressed and hung out to dry. 

Then came Geography. My professor asked where I was from so I told her and she made the stink on a bug face and said "oh Texas accent is terrible" and immediately stopped talking to me. She then continued to talk about me to he people next to me and when I laughed at something she said she looked shocked that I could understand what she was saying. No I don't understand much, but give me a few key words and I can get the jist.  

Math came next... My friends asked me if I understood the equation on the board and I did a little, but not fully. So that caused some problems. I'm not sure if the words were just different and I really do understand, or if I just haven't learned them yet. Later that night my host mom asked if I wanted to switch to a lower math class but to do so I would have to get out of all the classes I'm in now and start over on making friends so I opted out of that. 

My last class of the day was Physics. I don't know how to write in French yet so I always look at my friends paper next to me and see what they've written. So when the professor looked at me and asked why I was "copying" my friends explained that I was an exchange student and he just let me do my thing. After class he came up and asked if I had "déjà-vu" which is a way of asking if I'd already done the class or not. I told him I hasn't and explained that before Monterey I was homeschooled and science classes were difficult. He was very nice and told me that I was welcome to come in any time I needed help. 

When we got in the car to go home, my body went limp. I was exhausted and frustrated with myself. I thought I was doing better with my French, but every time I think that I get proved wrong. When we finally got home I told them I was going to take a nap and collapsed on my bed. Then the tears came. And the fear. And the "why did you choose me." And the "I can't do this."  And in that broken moment, I sobbed about how much I needed Christ to take me over and show me more of His heart, and He wrapped me in His arms and carried me. After spending an hour and a half in my room (the first time I've locked myself in my room), I was able to pull myself together and go down stairs with a little bit of hope. 

Later that night I went to a dance class. I've never realized just how much I love dancing until that night. Dance is a universal language and "5, 6, 7, 8" is so comforting to hear. I was able to get in it and let go of the stress from the day and by the time I got home, I was happy and laughing again. 

After dinner I talked to my host family and we played Skip-Bo. It's awesome to see the difference from the first week when I would just sit in silence and watch them make fun of each other, to this week where I was able to do the same in my broken Franglish. My host mom taught me some words in Italian (because my host families Italian so they know Italian) and it was one of my favorite memories so far. :)

Today at school I made a bunch of new friends, which I'm very thankful for, and overall it was a fantastic day. :)  

My first class was English. My teacher is fantastic and so sweet. Just being around her and listening to her talk is so encouraging! She's one of those people that is so confident in who they are that they give you confidence when you're around them. It was extremely helpful to be able to understand but also slightly different since they teach British English, not American English. 

After English I went back to Relgion. My professor asked what we believe in and what we don't believe in and a lot of people said they believed in the scientific method. Obviously I said I believe in Jesus and it got a little awkward but c'est pas grave. I can handle awkward. Then when we got to what we don't believe, a lot of people said the resurrection. They said, "c'est impossible." And went on to say how there's no way that could ever be practical. The professor had pulled out a catholic bible at one point so when he got to me I asked if I could see it and I turned to Philippians 4:13. It was different so I said, "c'est différent. I believe that the bible is true, and Philippians 4:13 says that nothing is impossible with God, so I believe that." It got so tense. He kept asking me to expand and I was thinking "I can't I have limited vocab dude!" But I did my best and we left the class with me saying that. Next week I'm switching to "Moral" which is where all the atheists are so I won't have to see that professor again. But I hope that one word of what I said today sunk in with just one person in that class. The first guy that said he didn't believe in the resurrection was one of my first friends outside of Vincent's normal friends. I really like him and we had a good conversation after school yesterday and he was extremely helpful cuz I was fried yesterday. How ironic.

Then came Italian. I'm in the language school which means that I'm taking a bunch of language classes (obviously) and I jumped into the second year of Italian. So I missed all the basics, but it sounds like we hear in movies which is very helpful!

Last was Gym class which actually ended up being really good! I was able to show them the little bit I know about volleyball, run faster than the people around me, and teach them some Texan dances. I was able to talk to them and build relationships with people that I was too afraid to yesterday. 

I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity to be in such an amazing place and put my faith to the test. It hasn't been easy, and it won't get any easier, but it's so worth it and I'm loving every second of this incredible journey. :) 

Continued prayers for the language barrier and peace would be greatly appreciated. And for everyone reading this, you are in my prayers. Go be bold, friends. 

Until next time - à tout-à-l'heure

KP

Night Terrors and Scouts

Chelsea and I got the opportunity to go on a retreat type thing this weekend with some "natives." We played lots of games, attempted to talk in French, got woken up at 4am to go to "war" and become motivated. 

When we first arrived the Chefs (chiefs) were very welcoming and patient with our Franglish. After being there for about an hour, the took our phones. Chelsea and I both got hit with the, "good gravy we're in a different country and can't talk to anybody we know.." homesickness. There were people there that acted like my two bestfriends in Texas and that emphasized the "we're in different countries" thing. They kept us awake until 1am, which is very difficult for Exchange Students because we're having to work twice as hard as everyone around us to understand what's going on, and after having our first day of school, it made it even harder.

Saturday we played lots of games which was helpful for my vocabulary because I was able to learn certain words or identify words that were similar to English words. Then we had mashed potatoes for dinner and Chelsea and I both just almost had a heart attack because we both adore mashed potatoes! Its the little things, right? :) We played Scrabble which was extremely helpful for my French and helped identify things I wouldn't have even asked about if they hadn't put it down... then we went to bed around 1 again....

4am: Alarms going off - screaming in an unknown language - no coffee - mass chaos - no understanding - can't speak - people running around - WWI bombs going off - CHAOS. 

That is what we woke up to. How is that even a possibility? Je ne comprends pas (I don't understand). I wish I could explain the panic and anger I felt, but there are no words. There's no frustration like not being able to understand what somebody is screaming at you, or why you've been woken up from a deep sleep and good dream. There are no words. At first it was simply confusion and fear... then it turned into anger. They made us do 25 pushups and told us we were on a hunt for a certain spot. We walked for an hour and thirty-five minutes... and our leaders were mad because it was only supposed to take 20 minutes. Once we arrived at "the spot" (a place in the woods) we got a lecture in unknown words and for unknown reasons. A group of 10 students had just walked an hour and a half to get a lecture about how long we'd taken. Really? I kept thinking, "I'm glad I can't understand. This is pissing me off. These people are crazy. I want to go home. Why did I come on this retreat? Why am I here?" and it got so difficult to be there. But I made it difficult on myself, nobody else did that. That was the most, "I want to go home and be comfortable" moment that I've had since I've arrived in Belgium. But it was also the most motivational moments I've had since I've arrived. We lined up and they explained what the upcoming game was supposed to be like, but of course I couldn't understand anything so I just waited until I could follow somebody else. My team went up the mountain to a spot and we played a creepy game of hide and seek. The goal was to make it to the middle without our Chiefs figuring out who we are. To do so, we were supposed to hide behind trees and run. The first time I didn't catch on, the second time I started to understand, the third time I acted, and the fourth time I played. The more I played, the funner it got. This game involved no words, just stealth. I may not be the fastest person on the planet or be able to understand a different language, but I'm very good at watching other peoples mistakes and learning from them. As people would run and get caught, I found a pattern. It made running and getting to the middle so much easier. Had we played longer, I think I could've gotten a lot more questions (the goal was to get questions) but since it took me so long to catch on, I didn't get that many. The first time I made it across that line my Chef exclaimed, "is that Kate!?!" Talk about a rewarding feeling. :)

Something that had started out in frustration and exhaustion had turned into a fun memory that would last a lifetime. How many people can say they've played hide and seek in a European forest at 5am? Nobody that I know....

I found myself more reliant on Christ the more frustrated I got with myself for not being able to speak. When you can't talk to the people around you, all you can do is talk to yourself or pray. That was difficult but I'm so thankful that I was able to go and experience something like that. 

Here's a picture of me and Chelsea before we left the VanderVeldes. :)

Until next time

KP

Le Premier Jours D'école

Today was my first day of school... needless to say I was nervous. However, I was blown away at how faithful God was today. Vincent and I had to take the bus today... school started at 10:30, but we left at 9:00. We got off the bus and walked to Franca's Saloon, which was helpful for me to see Franca before we went. As we walked up the slope to the school, I kept thinking about the word Courageous. It is beyond nerve wracking to go to a school where you can't speak the language, with very few people that you actually know (aka 3). But as I was walking, I kept thinking about being courageous... and then I started praying, "Lord, make me courageous," and next thing I know He's whispering, "you are courageous." That reassurance and whisper was what I needed to keep my feet moving as my heart pounded faster and faster and it drowned out everything in my brain.

When we arrived, we checked the schedule and I was in the same class as the three people I knew, which was very reassuring. Vincent introduced me to some girls and they did the whole, "ohhh you're an American!?!?" with shocked looks on their face. That's always fun to try and explain that you're from Texas and you don't have guns with you.... I love stereotypes :P When we got to the class, I lost all understanding. The teacher and people all talked ridiculously fast and I completely gave up on trying to understand. My brain got overloaded and it just stopped working. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to concentrate and understand, I couldn't. But that didn't bother me because when I hit the point of exploding, I started praying.

My patience was tested today because I get so frustrated with myself when I can't pick something up. God is definitely working in me on that right now, though. There's not very much I can do for it at this point, but God is so much bigger. When Vincent and I were on the bus home, there were people packed in around us and it was literally impossible to move... after not being able to understand anything that was going on around me for over five hours, it was very annoying to be crammed in between tons of people that I didn't know for at least half an hour. My patience was already limited because I was frustrated with myself and how limited my understanding was, so that pushed me a little farther than I was expecting.

As I get ready to go to a camp this weekend with Chelsea, I can't help but be thankful for how far I've been pushed up until this point. If I wasn't here, I would be going through the college system with people I didn't know, and I would have gone home for Labor day weekend and hugged my friends and family that I miss more than I thought was ever possible. But I am here, and I wouldn't have it any other way. And that's exactly why I'm more thankful for the little things that push me past my comfort zone and make me learn new things than I've been for the little things at home that I miss. Now that I'm here, I can't imagine my life any other way. Being able to take a day trip to Holland, go to Italy for a week, or meet people from all around the world is something that just blows my mind and fills my heart with so much happiness. God is so faithful, and He will give me the strength I need to get through every day of school, and the courage to speak boldly about His name. Love knows no borders. His truth knows no boundaries. He is love, courage, hope, joy, truth, faith, redeemer, healer, King of Kings, and I will do everything I can to glorify Him... even if I can't speak the language around me.

Until next time -à tout-à-l'heure
KP

Carre, Busses, Church, Holland, and Rotary!

The past two days have been full of blessings and laughter...
 
Chelsea and I attempted to go to the Carre around 1... but we ended up there at 2 because we got lost. I love getting lost. The memories that come from it are priceless. :) After missing a bus, we almost opted to call our host dad, but decided against it in the end. We went back the The Carre this week and it was so much better because we had friends that we started building relationships with. While I still don't agree with a lot of the decisions that go on there, I found myself loving the people in spite of it. I can honestly say that I love each of the exchange students that I have met, and I'm excited to see the relationships that are built and how God moves because of it.
 
I was able to go to l'eglise (church) with my new friends and felt just as welcome this time as I did on Sunday. Words can't express how thankful I am to be able to sing praises at the top of my lungues with people that strengthen me constantly. I'm beginning to learn French worship songs which makes me so excited and I'm caching onto the rhythm of things there.
 
Today, I went to Holland. It blows my mind that you can literally drive 20 minutes from my town and you're in a completely different country. How is that even a thing!? SO COOL!! Holland is absolutely stunning. The building are gorgeous and people ride bikes everywhere. The people that I mean (that doesn't mean they aren't) weren't as nice as they are in Belgium or Texas, which is perfectly fine, just different.

I had a rotary meeting tonight and since school starts tomorrow, I took a shower to make sure I was clean after the Holland voyage, and my amazing host mom (who's a hair stylist) dried my hair for me. I'm seriously so thankful for the little things like that... How'd I get so lucky? We were able to talk while she did my hair (mostly through expressions and miming) and laugh about things that I hadn't understood before. I'm in awe of the fact that I find so much joy in just laughing with her and the rest of my host family. It's little things like that realization that make me understand just how much I enjoy Belgium and how I'm falling more in love with it every single day. It gives me hope. God is so good.

I'm having one of the biggest battles in my mind right now. Like I know all this truth that the bible says, but good gravy I'm so overwhelmed with "I cants" and even though they aren't true and I know they aren't true, they are still overwhelming. But my God is victorious, and psalm 139 declares that He goes before me and follows me, so I will believe that He is already in that moment of fear and doubt. And in this moment of "holy guacamole I'm going to high school in a foreign country what was I thinking run fast" and every other moment between now and the rest of my life. And He is taking me to dance the greatest dance and love radically more than I could've ever thought or imagined. Because that is the God I serve and He is faithful. He is bold. He is victorious. So I will not fear, I will not doubt, and I will not loose hope. Because my God is bigger, and He has called me to something far bigger than I could ever ask or imagine.

Since my first day of school is tomorrow, I'm gonna post some pictures and stories and go to bed... Peace n' blessins fam :)
KP

Statues in the Square

Being touristy

We ordered two dishes and split them... cuz how often do you get to go to Holland!?

One of the church's has a library in it!

The river (my favorite)

With my awesome Austrailian friend :)

One of the cute little streets :)



A school bus turned into a tour bus

This man reminded me of Opaline and her love for street performers... I stopped just for you, OP. :)

This Feels Like Home!

I am... absolutely in awe of God.

Today I went to a church with some family friends and I wish that I could put into words what it was like... I don't think I have ever felt so at home somewhere. When Franca told me I was going, I questioned how it would go and got slightly nervous... but as I prayed about it, I was completely at peace. Christ church expands all over the world, and love knows no borders. So as I got ready this morning, all I felt was excitement and peace. Had I known what I would have experienced today, I wouldn't have been able to be as calm as I was all morning.

The family picked me up and were so welcoming, I felt like I'd known them my whole life... even though I'd just met them. They talked to me in English, and I replied in french. Which was extremely helpful! Walking through the doors of that church... it was home. I wish that words could explain it... but I honestly don't think there are words that could explain it. I was instantly welcomed and met a girl from Australia who came to Belgium to nanny for a family. Kids were running around laughing and dancing and praising Jesus. There were literally words of praise coming out of their mouth. "Hallelujah!" everywhere! Pure happiness. No words.

We started off with worship and it reminded me so much of my mission trips to Mexico... People were literally at the front DANCING and singing at the top of their lungs! I was completely blown away! Thankfully they had lyrics to the songs so I was able to sing along... even though I didn't know how to pronounce the words correctly. These people that I already considered family were praising Jesus in a way that I've only seen a few times.... Love knows no borders. The pastors sons wife was an English teacher, so she translated the whole thing for me and Jessica (the Australian girl). But as we listened to the lesson, I found myself zoning into what he was saying and not so much what was being said in English... and what amazed me was that I understood! Most of it. I would listen to what he said and translate it in my head and next thing I know she was translating the same thing. You could say that I was excited to know that I was getting somewhere with the language, but that would be an understatement! 

For those of you that don't know yet, I found out on my way to Belgium that I have a stress fracture in my left ankle. Meaning that I have a crack in my bone. My doctor told me I was supposed to get a cane and boot to take the pressure of for the next six weeks, but since I'm already going into school with the biggest disadvantage of all, a language barrier, I decided that I'm going to wait to follow his instructions until I get home. Being as this fracture started two years ago, and doesn't really bother me that much, I figure I can make it to three years with it. 

Call me crazy... Idk how to explain this in words without sounding crazy... But they did the thing in Mexico the first time that really freaked me out and they prayed for fire (both in Mexico and here) and placed their hand on the persons head and they fell down... Today the people that needed physical healing went up and so I did and like... Ah no words... While he was praying over the person next to me, I was crying and praying in English (since I can't speak French and I don't have the gift of tongues even though they were talking in tongues) and he got to me and peace.... Just peace. My body went so still... I've never experienced something like that. Idk how to explain it... Just pure... There's no word! Just peace. 

My ankle hasn't hurt since I left. God is so good!

That was the most at home I've felt since I arrived here. It's unexplainable... Like, if nothing else, God brought me here so I could experience His home in a different country. I felt more at home here than I did in Mexico... And that's saying a lot

No words. Like... All day. No words. They're more family than a lot of my blood family. And I've only met them once. But I felt like I belonged. Like I had come home from a long trip. 

It's just crazy. Like I would never believe it if it wasn't me... That's why I didn't put it in the blog at first. But then again is that me not believing it? That's why I decided to go ahead and write about it. God is seriously so good. I just... Still... No words. 

Today was a time of revival and hope... And the fact that I could feel so at home, so quickly, blew me away. God is so faithful... and I can't wait to see where this journey takes me. :)

Acts 18:9-10 - Do Not Be Silent!

Whale... I'm not exactly sure where to begin. Over the past few days, I have seen a new face of Belgium, exchange students, and myself. I'm learning things I never would've thought possible, and finding things out about myself that I had no clue existed before. God is good and He speaks through the chaos.

 Disclosure: This blog is not meant to be offensive to anyone. It is meant to be a way to communicate with people what my exchange looks like, what I experience, and also serve as a sort of diary for myself. So, if you get offended by something I write, I'm sorry. However, I'm not going to sugar coat anything... I’m going to be completely transparent.
P.S. yes this blog does get better the farther you read.

 

Wednesday: There's a place in Liege where all the exchange students meet on Wednesdays (half days once school starts) and hang out and chill at the bars. Chelsea and I went this Wednesday and to be brutally honest, I was shocked. Yes, I went to high school and I get that people break rules and do all the stuff adults say we shouldn't do. Yes, the drugs, alcohol, and sex are happening where I'm from. But after experiencing the Carre, I understand why Europeans hate Americans... and exchange students. No, I didn't do anything. No, I didn't break the rules. No, I shouldn't feel dirty after leaving the Carre... but I did. I got home and felt broken and lost. The way that I imagine they felt when they got home... the difference was that I felt hope and peace in the midst of that brokenness. I was given purpose in that brokenness. Truth in the dirtiness. As I started to pray against the filth, brokenness, and hopelessness, I felt God whisper. He led me to Acts 18:9-10, "Don't be afraid! Speak out! Don't be SILENT! For I am with you, you will not be attacked or harmed, for many people in this city belong to me." I was ashamed that I had sat in silence as sin whirled around me, as people tried to find themselves in earthly things, and as hopelessness took over. God deserves better than that in a disciple. Would Paul have just sat by and watched? Yes, I need to live by my actions. But sometimes there's a time to speak up....

 

Thursday: Over 200 exchange students and sponsors went to Brussels to go see Parliament. I was blown away at all the history. We didn't really get to hear much about it, since there's so many of us it's next to impossible to do a tour where we learn a lot about a place, but the architecture was unlike anything in the US. It's so classy! For lunch we tried the special Meatballs and Fries that everyone says is a Belgian thing. We also got to sit in our first official, country wide, meeting. As is normal here, America was the biggest... and the loudest.

 I was so relieved, and also nervous after the Carre, about meeting exchange students. I prayed the whole way to the train station, and the majority of the way there just asking for guidance. I met over a hundred people, and connected with ten. But those ten that I met, were so refreshing to be around.

I was still shocked at the way we represented our countries, no it was not just America. Rotary's number one rule and goal is ADAPT. We were not adapting. I understand that we all had our blazers on with tons of pins on each jacket, and I believe in being proud of your country and where you represent, but it was taken too far. We did not blend in to the area around us as 300+ people marched past hundreds of tourists and Belgians and scream and shouted, "USA! USA! USA!" over. and over. and over again. It was never ending. It ranged from singing our national anthem, to saying the pledge countless times. I've never seen Americans have this much spirit in the States, so it was slightly confusing as to why it just popped up all of the sudden! However, there is also something exhilarating about a hundred people singing the national anthem and yelling, "USA! USA! USA!" afterwards... so many mixed feelings about that!

A few of my Texas friends :)

Texas in front of the Palace!

This was our view leading into the city on our way to lunch

AMERICA

And of course everybody had to join in at the last second!

This is where we marched down the street. 200 students chanting, "USA! USA! USA!"

One of the beautiful Church's we passed

The Town Square

One of the side streets of the town square

The Palace that we toured

Two new friends. :)

Franssss

My view during the meeting

Friends at lunch!

By the end of lunch, I had found a group of people that I honestly enjoyed being around. We were able to encourage each other with difficulties we were having and talk about the most random things! I met somebody who had seen me in the airport, somebody who liked the rain (not common among people here), somebody who was going to my school, and so many other interesting and awesome people! Not to mention my oldie is pretty awesome. :)

Since the first week of my exchange was spent at the Delia's house, I was socially out of whack... and of course it didn't help that I'm already awkward in the first place! But I absolutely loved getting to meet so many people who were experiencing something like I was. It's refreshing to know that I'm not alone in this adventure, and that I can find comfort around them. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, and I can't wait to see where else this takes me!

I rode back on the bus with a friend I'd made from Texas, and it was so nice to talk about sweet tea and Chipotle! The tea here is carbonated and I'm so glad they have tea, but it's not like McAlister's tea! :) The countryside reminded me a lot of Texas cuz it was mostly flat... but it was green, not brown. :P

After we got back, I saw Rene (my second host dad) and I was so happy to see a familiar face that I know and trust! My host parents came to pick me up and I didn't realize how much I had missed them until Franca started talking to me. I really have grown attached to my host family... and I don't think I could've asked for a better first family. The thing that surprised me most was that I had missed talking in French. What!? The whole trip, the exchange students had talked in English... and that was so nice cuz I could be positive that I understood what was going on! But when my host family started talking to me, I had renewed desire to talk to them and try to understand French. I was so excited when I could understand everything we talked about on the way to my third host families house for dinner! The fact that I was so happy to be with them again, gave me hope... I have an emotional connection here. Which means that if I was to leave now, I would miss Belgium. It's becoming my home and I'm falling in love with it. I love that!

We went to Franca's sisters house (my third host family) for dinner and I was so relieved to see Fiona and Vincent! I was able to talk in simple sentences and Franglish and we talked about school a lot. I think Vincent and Fiona will be in my classes, which makes me feel so much better about school! As we talked about school, it made me think a lot about my first day at Monterey... I was absolutely terrified. But after two years, I had made friends that I honestly believe will last a lifetime. I'm praying that God shows me friends here that I can trust and feel safe and loved around, and that I will fall in love with Belgium even more because of it. I'm nervous about not knowing enough of the language, but people are covering that in prayer  back in Texas so I'm not even worried about it as much as I could be. I found myself thinking about how happy I was to be around my family, and to be back to speaking French, and I knew that God had me here for a reason. It was reassurance of things unseen, hope for what is to come, and happiness in the moment. It was refreshing.

The longer we stayed at Fiona's house, the more I started to doubt myself. I was so unbelievably happy to be there during dinner and even for a bit after, but the sleep deprivation and exhaustion overcame me and I had trouble being as happy to be there. That is the closest thing to comfort that I have here, and after being pushed out of my comfort zone so much during Rotary, I really just wanted to talk to people back home and get a hug from a familiar person. I wanted to get in my car and go get sweet tea from McAlister's, and I wanted to drive on dirt roads with the windows rolled down and music blaring to clear my mind. But I can't do that now. I found myself thinking so much of what used to be that I could think of what was and is now. By doing so, I made it harder on me. We left Fiona's at 11 and I was beyond exhausted. I had done well with talking and understanding until the last 30 minutes, but I almost fell asleep on their couch when they were Skyping Livia. We went straight to bed when we got home and I was so frustrated with my phone because I couldn't get the Internet to work in my room... I was so exhausted and desperate to talk to someone familiar that I overwhelmed myself and couldn't think straight. And as always, Christ spoke through the panic and the frustration... "Make me your comfort. I am all you need..." yes, I wanted to talk to someone familiar that I loved and trusted at home, but Jesus was literally in the room with me, and I wasn't content with that. Talk about convicting. After I had come to the realization that I was finding comfort and seeking the wrong thing, I battled through so many emotions. How is it possible to have so many emotions in just a few minutes? Conviction, guilt, hopelessness, happiness, joy, reassurance, grace, overwhelming despair, frustration, and a feeling of "dang flabbit, Jesus. That's not the answer I wanted." It's funny how the answer we want isn't the one we need.... That's something I'm learning more here than ever have before... but there's also beauty in the disappointment I feel when it's not the answer I want. Nothing will shake you to your core like seeing your heart in the mess that it truly is and your human instincts shining through what you hoped was true.

Overall, I have to say that yesterday was one of my favorite days so far. It sucks being pushed out of your comfort zone and being ripped from what is familiar, but there's something so indescribably beautiful about what Christ whispers through it. He hears our prayers and bends down to listen... He is faithful.

Go be bold, fam.

Until next time,
KP