I experienced my first bit of homesickness today... It's Livia's last day in Belgium before her exchange in Dallas, so all of her family has stopped by to say "au revoir." The festivities lasted over three hours and at one point there were over 25 people in the Delia's living room... which is a lot. Having 25 people in a room, speaking a language you can barely understand, that are all watching you, is rough. I got overwhelmed halfway through and had to step out of the room so that I wouldn't loose it in front of a bunch of people I barely knew. I began thinking of all the "see ya laters" I had to say and I got so discouraged. Those same questions that have burdened me for months popped up... Why did God call me to this? Why did He choose me? Why does it hurt so much when I thought it would hurt so little? I overwhelmed myself... I went upstairs to go to the restroom and lost it halfway up the stairs. After crying for three minutes, I pulled myself together and went back down for another two hours of confusion. I feel like my mindset is in the right place and I'm able to focus when I need to focus, but my heart is struggling-and I'm ignoring it. I've been having my quiet time every morning when the sunrises and I think it's the only thing keeping me going right now. We all have days where we feel discouraged and downcast, and today has just been one of those days. But I am well aware of how unbelievably blessed I am to be here and experience something so amazing. I feel so humble and thankful for this opportunity, and no matter what I am feeling or experiencing, I wouldn't change a second of it. Yes, seeing all those people that had seen Livia grow up and depart from was painful. Yes, I miss my friends and family more than words could ever express. And yes, my heart is still in Texas. But no, I would not change the path I am on for an easier one. No, I would not go to college instead of Rotary. No, I would not rather be living my crazy busy life in Lubbock, Texas. And no, I will not let my downcast heart get the better of me. This is the truth I am speaking into my heart: I was called to this for a reason. No it's not easy, but I CAN (and I will) handle this the best way I know how. When my heart is overwhelmed, I will find refuge in Christ alone. For He is my rock and my salvation. He has enabled me to be a conqueror. An overcomer. And He has called me to something greater than I could ever ask or imagine... so I will live in that truth. No matter where life takes me, He is bigger.
Psalm 77:13, 19-20 says:
"O God your ways are holy. Is there any God as mighty as You? You are the God of Great Wonders!.. Your road lead through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters - a pathway no one knew was there! You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep, with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds."
He has called me where my trust is without boarders, and I have said, "Lord, I am coming."
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